THE DiZASTAS
(Either role can be played by either sex, but must be near in age to each other)
Scene: an office with maps and house blueprints. A sign reads “DiZasta Developers.”
A person who is dressed in a tacky suit (Rudy) types at a computer. The door bursts open and Phil bustles in. Phil wears similar apparel.
P: Good news! We got the land for the price we wanted.
R: Fantastic! I’m working on the advertising copy right now! What’s on this property?
P: This property is hot, but it’s got challenges.
R: A challenge is an opportunity waiting to be mugged. Hit me!
(P points to map locations)
P: Here is the old turkey farm. And here’s where they dumped the old refrigerators. And here is the medical waste incinerator. And this is an official EPA Brownfields site.
R: And we want to build quality single-family dwellings on this land, reasonably priced.
P: But before we even get to the land, we’ve got problems. The County Council is going to get sore!
R: Why?
P: We said we would build fifty homes, but we’re going to build 500.
R: Another example of big government getting in the way of small business. Good news: I donated to all of their campaigns.
P: The invisible hand of the free market! Next!
R: The brownfields is a toxic waste dump.
P: I called the Corps of Engineers! I bought tons of dredge to cover the brownfields.
R: Wait! (Types at computer) “Scenic Bayside Views!”
P: Poetry!
P: Here’s a challenge. This used to be a turkey farm.
R: So? “Located in a historic agricultural area!”
P: The turkey farm has high levels of arsenic.
R: Go figure! Know what else is uses arsenic?
Both: Rat poison!
R: “All land certified ‘vermin-reduced.’”
P: But what about the used refrigerators right here? It’ll cost a fortune to haul them off!
R: WHOA! We are not made of money!
P: We repurpose the refrigerators! It’s green and eco-friendly!
R: I like it! What do we do with them? WAIT!
P: What?
R: Slap some paint on them! We turn them into a playground for the kids! Spaceships and submarines! (Mimes closing a hatch) “Dive! Dive!”
P: Not just a playground, it’s …“An imaginarium for the kids!”
R: (Types) Poetry!
P: Here! Here is the big challenge! The old medical waste incinerator!
R: Why the fuss? The waste was incinerated!
P: The ash! The ash and other residue is still there! Big mountains of ash!
R: Ash is good for gardening, isn’t it?
P: Yeah!
R: Hospitals are healthy, aren’t they?
P: Yeah!
R: Mix it with the dredge, lay it over the foundation of the incinerator: “Plots available for gardening!”
P: Poetry! Now we get to the houses. I spoke with the contractors.
R: Yeah?
P: The builders are saying we need wall studs every nine inches.
R: WHOA! We are not made of money!
P: I told them to put studs every three feet. Saves on wood.
R: “Our construction is green and eco-friendly!”
P: The builders are saying we’re going to need this much to lay the sewer, water, and gas lines!
R: WHOA! We are not made of money!
P: I made a few calls and I found out…Habitrail is having a clearance sale.
R: Keeps our overhead reasonable! I’ve got enough for the ad. Conveniently located to all bridges, highways, and airports!
P: Affordable! Low-interest financing guaranteed!
R: If you lived here, you’d be home by now!
P: Resting peacefully!
R: And our slogan: This is not just your new home…it’s a DiZasta!
P: Poetry!
END
(See the pun DiZasta = Disaster? See? Huh?)