timwburke

THE DiZASTAS

(Either role can be played by either sex, but must be near in age to each other)

Scene: an office with maps and house blueprints. A sign reads “DiZasta Developers.”
A person who is dressed in a tacky suit (Rudy) types at a computer. The door bursts open and Phil bustles in. Phil wears similar apparel.

P: Good news! We got the land for the price we wanted.
R: Fantastic! I’m working on the advertising copy right now! What’s on this property?
P: This property is hot, but it’s got challenges.
R: A challenge is an opportunity waiting to be mugged. Hit me!
(P points to map locations)
P: Here is the old turkey farm. And here’s where they dumped the old refrigerators. And here is the medical waste incinerator. And this is an official EPA Brownfields site.
R: And we want to build quality single-family dwellings on this land, reasonably priced.
P: But before we even get to the land, we’ve got problems. The County Council is going to get sore!
R: Why?
P: We said we would build fifty homes, but we’re going to build 500.
R: Another example of big government getting in the way of small business. Good news: I donated to all of their campaigns.
P: The invisible hand of the free market! Next!
R: The brownfields is a toxic waste dump.
P: I called the Corps of Engineers! I bought tons of dredge to cover the brownfields.
R: Wait! (Types at computer) “Scenic Bayside Views!”
P: Poetry!
P: Here’s a challenge. This used to be a turkey farm.
R: So? “Located in a historic agricultural area!”
P: The turkey farm has high levels of arsenic.
R: Go figure! Know what else is uses arsenic?
Both: Rat poison!
R: “All land certified ‘vermin-reduced.’”
P: But what about the used refrigerators right here? It’ll cost a fortune to haul them off!
R: WHOA! We are not made of money!
P: We repurpose the refrigerators! It’s green and eco-friendly!
R: I like it! What do we do with them? WAIT!
P: What?
R: Slap some paint on them! We turn them into a playground for the kids! Spaceships and submarines! (Mimes closing a hatch) “Dive! Dive!”
P: Not just a playground, it’s …“An imaginarium for the kids!”
R: (Types) Poetry!
P: Here! Here is the big challenge! The old medical waste incinerator!
R: Why the fuss? The waste was incinerated!
P: The ash! The ash and other residue is still there! Big mountains of ash!
R: Ash is good for gardening, isn’t it?
P: Yeah!
R: Hospitals are healthy, aren’t they?
P: Yeah!
R: Mix it with the dredge, lay it over the foundation of the incinerator: “Plots available for gardening!”
P: Poetry! Now we get to the houses. I spoke with the contractors.
R: Yeah?
P: The builders are saying we need wall studs every nine inches.
R: WHOA! We are not made of money!
P: I told them to put studs every three feet. Saves on wood.
R: “Our construction is green and eco-friendly!”
P: The builders are saying we’re going to need this much to lay the sewer, water, and gas lines!
R: WHOA! We are not made of money!
P: I made a few calls and I found out…Habitrail is having a clearance sale.
R: Keeps our overhead reasonable! I’ve got enough for the ad. Conveniently located to all bridges, highways, and airports!
P: Affordable! Low-interest financing guaranteed!
R: If you lived here, you’d be home by now!
P: Resting peacefully!
R: And our slogan: This is not just your new home…it’s a DiZasta!
P: Poetry!

END

(See the pun DiZasta = Disaster? See? Huh?)

A sketch that came from Improv 400 class…

POOL SKIMMER

(Either role can be either sex or any age.)
Scene: a swimming pool.
Lifeguard is waiting by the gate of the pool. Murphy walks up.

Murphy: Hey, can I get in?
LG: It’s a few minutes before we open.
Murphy: Yeah, but I’m just going to do some laps.
LG: We’re supposed to open at noon. People keep sneaking in here.
M: Yeah, but you’re here. It’s just a few minutes ‘til noon.
LG: Well…why not?
(Opens gate)
M: Thanks a lot!
LG: So how’s things?
M: Things are okay.
(LG picks up pool skimmer and starts to work on the pool. M takes off his sweat suit, revealing swimwear)
M: I’m glad you’re skimming. Pool’s got a lot of junk in it.
LG: People messing around. Wind. People sneaking in and their trash gets all over.
M: Right. You see the announcement in the lobby? Mr. Gunderson’s missing!
LG: What, the really tall old guy?
M: Yeah!
LG: I caught him sneaking in here last week! You said “missing”?
M: Missing!
LG: Geez! The guy’s a jerk, but I hope he’s okay. That’s the second person missing in the development.
M: Second?
LG: Yeah, in “B” Building. Lady named Somesuch.
M: Hey, you mean that big lady who was swimming in here all the time?
LG: In the lime green suit. Her.
M: I heard about her in my police auxiliary meeting. I didn’t put it together that it was the lady who swam around here.
LG: Sheesh. She lived in this pool. Just about to grow gills. She sneaked in here all the time too.
M: Mean temper.
LG: About bit my head off about putting too much chlorine in. People doing all sorts of crap around here. I hardly have time to do basic stuff…like…skimming.
(Lifts a small something out of the pool. Peers at it.)
LG: Um…hey.
M: Yeah.
LG: What’s this look like to you?
(Both look close.)
M: What? Is that? A finger!
(Nods, looking sick)
LG: Just came up with it. The pool needs shocking.
M: Whose finger?
LG: Shouldn’t we secure the scene? Or something?
M: Yeah! Set that down! I did a class on what to do at a crime scene!
LG: Great!
(Sets down the skimmer.)
M: Do you have a plastic bag?
LG: Yeah! I’ll take out my sandwich.
(Takes out sandwich in plastic bag. Removes sandwich. Shakes out the crumbs. Gives bag to M)
LG: You’re not going to touch it, are you?
M: No, it’s just like walking my peek-a-poo. Turn the bag inside out, and…..
(Picks up the finger in the bag. Turns bag inside-in, then seals the finger inside. Both peer at the finger.)
LG: There’s a reward for information on Mr. Gunderson.
M: Yeah, but that could be Mrs. Somesuch.
LG: Looks more like Gunderson’s finger.
M: What?
LG: It’s a long finger. Gunderson’s tall. I don’t know! Wait!
(Picks up skimmer.)
LG: There might be more.
M: We should call the police.
LG: Yeah, but…what do you think they’re going to do? Use their own skimmer anyway, right? We have to confirm for the reward.
M: (doubtful) Okay. It’s murky.
LG: Yeah, I need to put more chlorine in. Wait!
(Pulls up skimmer. Both peer.)
M: Oh jeez. A foot!
LG: That’s a big foot!
LG & M: Gunderson.
LG: Reward!
M: I’ve got something to put it in! A condom!
LG: A what?
(M unwraps and unrolls a condom around the foot. LG looks a little insecure at the largeness of the condom.)
M: We really need to call the police!
LG: No, I want to see what else is down here!
M: Because in my police auxiliary class, they talked about wounds, and these…parts? These are ragged! Like they’ve been bit or —
LG: Oop! Got something big! Reward, here I come!
(Pulls the skimmer. The skimmer rises higher than the water level. Both look in terror. There is the sound of an old woman’s labored breathing.)
LG: Good morning, Mrs. Somesuch.
M: Nice gills.
(A shadow rises and darkens over them.)
Lifeguard: You were right. I should skim the pool more often.
(The two cling to each other as the shadow closes upon them. )

END

My First Script In Almost Twenty Years

MAD BABY

(Scene: Manhattan 1968. An uptown diner. GUY WOODHOUSE sits with MINNIE CASTAVET at a table. GUY is a handsome man in his mid-thirties, just starting to get crow’s feet and wrinkles. MINNIE is a woman in her sixties, clothing a little chintzy and make-up a little overdone. GUY is anxious and agitated. MINNIE is stern; her patience is being tested but she wants to soothe the younger man’s nerves.)

Guy: Minnie? Mrs. Castavet, I don’t know if I can go through with this. I don’t want Rosemary to be hurt.

Minnie: Oh, we give you some sedative to put into her custard and we will do the rest. We take care of her health and she’ll become the wife of Guy Woodhouse: the most acclaimed actor of our times. She’ll have the best of everything.

Guy: Yeah. But what’ll happen to the world?

Minnie: Guy, we’ve been over this. To hell with the world. Rosemary’s perfect for us. Perfect for him.

Guy:  No. You are insane.

(Rises to leave. Larry  enters.)

Larry :  Guy! How’s your blushing bride Rosemary?

Guy: Larry? Minnie…this is Larry, my agent. Um, Larry, this is Minnie Castavet.

Minnie: Pleased to meet you, dear.

Larry: Guy, I heard you on the payphone outside my office. You said you were having a meeting to get help on your career. I thought I’d sit in and share thoughts. This is the meeting, right?

(Guy is uneasy. Minnie is puzzled. Larry  sits.)

Larry : We’re all ears. You would help Guy’s career, and in exchange?

Minnie (to Guy):  All we want is to have your wife bear a child for…my client.

(Guy sits shamed. Larry pats his arm.)

Larry : You should have seen the deals I had to make with Zeigfeld. And in exchange, you help with his career?

Minnie: Yes. He guarantees the success of Guy’s acting career.

Larry  (to Guy): So you didn’t tell me this, why? (to Minnie) Does your client have a name?

Minnie: He has lots of names.

Larry : Okay. I get it. As long as the corporations are properly licensed. How do we know he can deliver?

(Minnie glares at Guy)

Guy: Now that he’s asking, I was wondering that too, see…

Minnie: Three simple words, dear.  ”Andrew Lloyd Webber.”

Guy (scandalized): Really?

Larry : Okay, then! Let’s talk! Guy, what does Rosemary say about this?

Guy: She’s…always wanted a baby.

Larry : Okay! So Minnie! What happens in case of non-performance?

Minnie: What do you mean?

Larry : Say your client is provided Rosemary and…he can’t seal the deal.

Minnie: He will seal the deal.

Larry : So you say. But things happen. Or they don’t. I mean, I’m thinking he’s an old guy and it’s been a while for him, right?

Guy: Um…Larry ?

Minnie: Oh he’ll seal the deal. He practically invented “sealing the deal.”

Larry : All we want is assurance. You have penalties in case Guy doesn’t fulfill, I’m sure.

Guy: Larry !

Larry : She doesn’t scare me. I deal with Joe Papp.

Minnie: Fine! In case of…nonperformance…Mr. Guy Woodhouse is assured lesser compensation.

Larry : A guest appearance on “Gunsmoke.”

Guy: Larry !

Larry : You’re saying he’s got all these connections! And another on “Bonanza!”

Minnie: Fine!

Guy: Larry ! I’m not sure I want to go through with this.

Larry : Why the cold feet?

Minnie: I was wondering the same thing.

Guy: To be honest…Rosemary’s not one-hundred percent board with this.

Larry : What? An opportunity like this?

Guy: She’s stubborn.

Larry : Okay. We do everything on the up-and-up. These are the 1960’s. If it comes to it, we just declare Rosemary incompetent.

Minnie: Incompetent? You can declare the woman incompetent if she doesn’t comply?

Larry : A wife would be crazy to hurt her husband’s career. Judges all over the world would agree with that.

Guy: Really?

Minnie: Yes. And isn’t it a wonderful world?

Larry : How’s that?

Minnie: Guy and I were agreeing that the world is going to hell.

Larry : You said it. Forty-Second Street? What a pit!

Guy: It isn’t so bad a world, Larry .

Larry : You kidding? War, drugs, poor people starving. Worst thing? Frankie Avalon just got a three-picture deal.

Guy: He WHAT?

Larry : Frankie Avalon got a movie deal. Going to Hollywood. That no-talent gigalo gets on screen again while a craftsman like my boy Guy Woodward suffers. A nobody. A nothing. Getting older every day –

Guy: All right. I’ll do it. Christ.

Larry : You know, Minnie, I had a thought. If we incorporate Rosemary, all the cribs and the diaper service and doctor’s visits become tax write-offs.

Minnie: Really?

Larry : Anyone who is vested in the “Rosemary’s Baby” corporation can write off any expense as operating costs. We could even keep that going for the next five tax years.

Minnie: What a delightful idea, Larry ! Say, we are using my residence to raise the baby. Can we write off a portion of our property tax…

Larry : …as a home office? Sure!

Guy: But we don’t want to be greedy here, right?

(All laugh for their own reasons.)

Larry : We are going to need Rosemary’s signature.

Guy: What?

Larry : I need to review the terms and have Rosemary sign the agreement.

Minnie: Do you?

Larry : Why not? You’ve spoken with her and she’s on board with this. She’ll make out like a bandit in this deal.

Guy: Couldn’t I just sign?

Larry : No, no. I want to drop by and say ‘Hi’, and congratulate her.

Guy: She’s resting right now. Maybe this evening?

Minnie (writing on a napkin): I think we are all finished here.

Guy: Yeah.

(Both rise to leave)

Larry : Oh, sorry to see you go! You should come back and try the pastrami. It’s to die for!

Minnie: You have no idea how true that is.

Guy: Larry …good-bye.

(Larry  picks up the napkin. A magic symbol is written on it.)

(Both leave. Larry  starts choking on the sandwich.)

END