timwburke

The Life Cycle of a Comic Book Movie

As a segment or interstitials

EACH NUMBERED SCENE REPRESENTS A DIFFERENT DAY. EACH SCENE MAY BE CAPTIONED “WITH DATE”

1. At store “Spring”

OLIVIA:
Jet Girl’s been optioned for a movie!

ASHLEY:
Finally! I can’t wait!

KATE:
And…the option just ran out!

2. COFFEE SHOP “summer”

ASHLEY:
Jet Girl’s been optioned again!

OLIVIA:
Cool!

KATE:
Hey guys! Hear the Jet Girl option fell through?

3. PLAYING VIDEO IN APT. “winter yEAR ONE”

ASHLEY:
Jet Girl’s been optioned. Again.

OLIVIA:
Uh huh.

KATE:
And they’re in pre-production!

OLIVIA:
Who is the producer?

KATE:
Jon Peters.

ASHLEY:
Who?

KATE:
Mister Spiders in ‘Wild Wild West.’

OLIVIA:
Fuck a duck!

4. Game store “SPRING YEAR ONE”

ASHLEY:
Jon Peters isn’t producing Jet Girl.

KATE:
That’s a relief. Who?

ASHLEY:
Michael Bey. ‘Splody!

OLIVIA:
Fuck A DUCK!

5. At Passional “SUMMER YEAR ONE”

ASHLEY:
Michael Bey passed on Jet Girl.

OLIVIA:
Yeah, and?

KATE:
It’s being produced by a partnership of German multinationals.

OLIVIA:
Germans? Not Uwe Boll.

KATE:
Some guy named Werner Herzog.

6. At bar “SUMMER YEAR ONE”

OLIVIA:
Who’s directing?

ASHLEY:
Kathryn Bigelow.

KATE:
Woot!

7. At store “FALL YEAR ONE”

OLIVIA:
Who’s directing now?

ASHLEY:
Zack Snyder.

OLIVIA:
Well….

KATE:
Lots of slo-motion!

All act out fighting in slow motion!

8. At bar “FALL YEAR ONE”

OLIVIA:
Who’s directing?

ASHLEY:
Dennis Dugan.

KATE:
Who?

ASHLEY:
Adam Sandler movies.

OLIVIA:
Fuck!

ASHLEY:
The treatment is being worked up by…Diablo Cody.

KATE:
Okay. Maybe.

9. Store “SPRING YEAR TWO”

ASHLEY:
New treatment is being worked up by Kevin Smith.

OLIVIA:
OK.

10. Over a pizza “SUMMER YEAR TWO”

ASHLEY:
All 27 treatments are being combined and being worked up by…some kid who did a steampunk zombie movie.

KATE:
We have to get Zoe Bell to play JetGirl.

OLIVIA:
Online petition! Zoe Bell! Zoe Bell! Zoe Bell!

All go to their smartphones and begin typing! Close up of fingers flying.

11. IN PARK “SUMMER YEAR TWO”

ASHLEY:
They are casting her as Jet Girl!

OLIVIA:
Who?

ASHLEY:
Zoe Deschanel!

OLIVIA:
(Screams at the computer)
Not all Zoes are the same!

ASHLEY:
But my niece will love it!

12. At bar “SUMMER YEAR TWO”

ASHLEY:
The role of Commander Harding of Jet Corps is…

KATE:
please-Samuel-Jackson-please-Samuel-Jackson-please-

ASHLEY:
Played by an animated cat voiced by Jim Carrey.

Anguished wail. Ashley is still hopeful.

13. Sidewalk, on phone “SUMMER YEAR TWO”

ASHLEY:
Got the bootleg. It looks pretty good!

KATE:
(Hopeful)
Really?

ASHLEY:
It doesn’t have soundtrack or special effects or color correction and its an AVI, but it looks good!

KATE:
Cool!

14. Store, on computer “SUMMER YEAR TWO”

OLIVIA:
Soundtrack by Molly Hatchett?!

ASHLEY:
Oooh! A girl group?

KATE:
(on phone)
Clark! Did you see the ‘Jet Girl’ preview at Comic Con?

CLARK:
(Comic Con footage)
Hello? Hello?

KATE:
I can’t hear you! What? Clark said the preview’s great!

15. Opening at theater, “XMAS YEAR 2”:

Lights come up in theater.

ASHLEY:
Loved it!

OLIVIA:
Intrigued by it!

KATE:
Meh.

OLIVIA:
We have to watch it again.

Lights come up again.

ASHLEY:
Adore it!

OLIVIA:
That was the grittiest animated cat I’ve ever seen!

KATE:
I don’t know what to make of this.

16. Discussion boards! LOGOS FLY BY!

17. APARTMENT “WINTER YEAR TWO”

ASHLEY:
I got the official DVD!

I got the Blu-Ray special box set with director’s cut and additional disc of deleted scenes, three documentaries, interviews, and commentary tracks.

OLIVIA:
I heard the commentary tracks. I knew Jim Carrey was misunderstood!

In background, Clark is counting his money.

18. Store “SPRING YEAR THREE”

OLIVIA:

Jet Girl Two is in production. The cast wants a raise. Three, two, one…

Ping updates their phones; all check.

ASHLEY:
Jet Girl is being rebooted.

KATE:
The new director is Roberto Begnini.

ALL:
Groan.

END

Scene: The inside of a Soviet space capsule. The entire theater is to be treated as the capsule, and the audience treated as monkeydogs. There are three chairs center stage. GREGORI is stage right at a radio. SASHA and MISHA are monkeydogs sleeping in two chairs. They are dreaming and making dog-and-monkey-like dream twitches.

GREGORI
(Speaking softly)
Can anyone hear me? This is Captain Gregori Ivanov of the Soviet Socialist Republic. I am pilot of the Vostok Negative Six. Can anyone hear me?

MISHA whines in her sleep. GREGORI takes sip from a cup and grimaces.

GREGORI
I launched in secret on March 20, 1960. I was the first man in space. Can anyone hear me?

MISHA and SASHA rouse, then fall back to sleep. GREGORI sips and grimaces.

GREGORI
I was sent up with a monkey and a dog. I have been in orbit since 1960. Can you hear me?
Now I am in three man caspule with our descendents. I am in the capsule with two… (counts audience members, treating the audience as if they are part of the crew, then says the number of audience). I am with (number of audience) Soviet monkeydogs. They bark and shed. When they are angry, they fling poop. I make liquor from fermented monkeydog milk. Can you hear me!

SASHA AND MISHA awaken with Monkeydog noises of surprise. They have no Russian accent.

SASHA
Captain, did you say something?

MISHA
Quiet Sasha! The captain is speaking on the radio. Have you had any luck, Captain?

GREGORI
No. Our orbit is bringing us closer to Earth, but no one is communicating.

SASHA
Ah! Look out the porthole! We are closer!

All three cross to stage right. Sasha and Misha make excited monkeydog sounds. They stare in wonder and awe.

SASHA
It is so beautiful! Where is The Blue Bayou?

GREGORI
I do not know where The Blue Bayou could be. Somewhere in the Western Hemisphere, I suppose.

MISHA
What is that large bunch of tubes, Captain?

GREGORI
What? That is a such a large satellite!

VOICE
This is the International Space Station calling the Vostok spacecraft. Captain Ivanov, can you hear me?

SASHA
That bunch of tubes is speaking to us! Everyone! They are speaking to us!

SASHA AND MISHA howl excitedly, encouraging the audience to howl as well.

GREGORI
Quiet! Quiet!

GREGORI crosses to the radio.

SASHA
Quiet, the Captain is going to speak to them!

GREGORI crosses stage to a radio and picks up the microphone.

GREGORI
Hello! This is Captain Gregori Ivanov of the Soviet Socialist Republic. Who are you?

VOICE
This is the Commander of the International Space Station. Captain, are you piloting a Vostak spaceship? They stopped making those fifty years ago.

SASHA
We should celebrate! Should I get the liquor, Captain?

SASHA AND MISHA pass a bottle.

GREGORI
Yes! Yes! Hello, Commander!

SASHA AND MISHA salute the audience and pretend to squeeze boobs as a toast.

MISHA
Thanks, girls!

GREGORI waves for MISHA to be quiet. SASHA passes bottle to audience members.

GREGORI
Can you take me home? Please?

VOICE
We can rescue you, Gregori. We have a seat on our ship!

GREGORI
How many seats do you have? Wait! I will switch to headphones!

GREGORI flips a switch and listens on a headphone. SASHA AND MISHA keep a respectful distance, but are curious.

GREGORI
Not enough room. I see. Can…can you promise me something?

GREGORI looks over his shoulder.

GREGORI
Many years ago, we heard on the radio a woman who sang this song that was so sad. She had such a voice, it spoke to the deepest part of my heart. I have forgotten almost all the words, but…

GREGORI wistfully sings a few sounds in a slow melody.

Please…I must meet her. This angel. This woman named Linda Rondstadt. I must go to this “Blue Bayou.”
Yes, Commander. Your terms are acceptable. We…I will prepare to dock. Over and out.

MISHA
(To audience)
We’re going to Earth!

SASHA
Captain, it’s going to be great to see all the beautiful things you have told us about.

GREGORI
Yes! Yes.

MISHA
Blue skies! Trees! Birds! The Blue Bayou!

The ship shakes.

GREGORI
They have docked.

VOICE
We have contacted Moscow, Captain. You must be looking forward to retirement. Being just another person. LIVING ALONE.

GREGORI
Alone!

MISHA
What does he mean, alone?

GREGORI
It has been decided by your Commissar that you monkey-dogs should stay here. You are acclimated to life…and they have one seat…

MISHA
We’re…staying here?

GREGORI
I will make sure they send someone up! We will see home together!

SASHA
Sure. But that’s twenty-six years…

GREGORI
You are stalwart examples…of Soviet cosmonauts. You will prevail…

MISHA
We will miss you, Captain.

GREGORI
You will obey and be good cosmonauts.

VOICE
We have to go now, Captain.

GREGORI
Yes. Yes. Good-bye.

GREGORI exits. The ship shakes.

SASHA
The little ship is leaving.

SASHA AND MISHA sit sadly in their seats. They begin to weep. There is a thumping at the airlock.

MISHA
Who could that be? Go away!

SASHA
No wait!

SASHA spins the airlock wheel. MISHA opens the door. GREGORI falls inside, gasping.

GREGORI
I…I started to think about the skies. What if they are not blue? What if Linda…is not an angel?

GREGORI passes out. MISHA AND SASHA apply CPR.

VOICE
Captain, you can’t stay there! You won’t be within reach for another twenty-six years! We’re coming back to get you!

GREGORI
(Weak) Prepare to repel boarders!

SASHA
Aye Captain! All monkey-dogs! To arms!

GREGORI, SASHA, AND MISHA put a hand to their asses and poop. They exhort the audience to do the same. The hands are held at the ready, aiming at the airlock.

GREGORI
Go away! I stay with my command! We stay together!

VOICE
Very well, Captain. Godspeed.

All are introspective at this development.

GREGORI
Misha, collect the feces. Put it into the furnace for fuel.

SASHA
Perhaps, Commissar, we should have some more liquor to celebrate.

GREGORI
Yes, we should. Play the tape recording.

MISHA
The tape is fragile, Captain.

GREGORI
Play it, Misha.

SASHA passes out bottle.

As the bottle is passed, MISHA AND SASHA begin humming.

The last chorus of “Blue Bayou” plays.

GREGORI sings last chorus of “Blue Bayou” soulfully. MISHA and SASHA exhort the audience to join in and sing. Their friendship and destinies are sealed.

END

Mysterious Man: Welcome to my secret STRONGhold, Batman!
Robin: Holy Tour de France! It’s Lance Armstrong!
Lance: I hope my special LiveSTRONG bracelets aren’t making you too uncomfortable. Yet.
Batman: You’ll never get away with this, Armstrong.
Lance: Those are STRONG words coming from a man up to his neck in energy drink, Batman!
Batman: What is it you want?
Lance: I want all my trophies back! All my medals! All the money I earned placed back in my STRONGbox.
Robin: But you cheated!
Lance: I did not know blood-doping was cheating.
(CU: Batman rolling his eyes.)
Lance: Really, I didn’t.
(CU: Robin snorts with derision.)
Lance: Enough!
(Pulls away curtain to reveal the missing bicyclists bound with Livestrong bracelets. They are suspended over the seats of bicycles.)
Lance: (to henchmen) Live! Strong! Turn on the camera! Hello, people of Gotham! Look upon the greatest bicyclists in the world!
I have covered the bicycle seats of the Tour De Gotham with radioactive STRONGtium 90! Gotham City shall give back what they took away or the most famous bicyclists in the world will have testicular cancer! You have ten minutes!