While Writing The First Draft of A Horror Masterpiece

14 11 2017

vienna-82647_1280Fucking Austrians with their fucking prancy-dancy minuets.

When the vampire has to get a ride home with the werewolf, who drives? What kind of car?

If Van Helsing was Catholic and Jonathan Harker an Anglican, does than mean the Nicean Creed is right? Would a Mormon with a cross repel a vampire? A Unitarian?

Could Satan postpone the Apocalypse until the heat death of the universe?

People usually keep the accent of their youth. Would a 700 year old still have his original accent?

Is “fumagous” a word?

What does rot really smell like?

If my women characters never talk to each other, do I still pass the Bechdel Test?

Are there disparaging names for “Austrians”?

If he’s a wimp on page one, how can I have him do the Insanely Gross Martial Arts Move within a week?

Is it possible for a neurotic character to have a romance and not be Woody Allen?

Can it still be a paranormal romance parody if there is no sex?

If I insult everybody, is it cultural appropriation?

For the cover, do I go with the comical fishhead in front of the naked woman’s abs, or with a man-fish with naked abs?

 

 

 





I Learned About Self-Publishing From 50 Writers — Launching My Series (A Repost)

2 11 2017

My website URL lapsed and I had to get back online. Here’s the post that everyone missed:

I am launching a three book series in Spring of next year.

The first book has the working title “Lampreyhead”.

 

Sea-lamprey-head-detail

Designing the plush toy giveaways is going to be a challenge.

 

You may see short stories with the character Lampreyhead in my Bibliography page, but these books will not have the frantic Animaniacs energy. There would be no way to sustain that pace over three books at 100K words without burning the audience out.

It will be about vampires, and it will be funny, hopefully intelligent, insightful, and yes a tad gruesome. Think “Clive Barker and Christopher Moore, or maybe Neil Gaiman with a Christian fixation”.

If it makes me happy, I will expand the series. I will be self-publishing, because I lack the hide to deal with agency submissions.

As I proceed with the publication process, I’ll update as to what decisions I’ve made.

For the past two years, I’ve been listening to self-publishing podcasts:

“The Science Fiction and Fantasy Marketing Podcast” with Lindsay Buroker

“The Rocking Self-Publishing Podcast” with Simon Whistler

I listened to well over fifty writers give their advice on self-publishing.

What I learned:

  • Have at least three books in your series ready to launch. Release the books one month at a time, then have your next material in the series ready for Month Four.
  • Use simple, all-inclusive publishing solutions. Use someone who will format, publish, and distribute. Adjust and optimize to your market as you learn particulars.
  • In self-publishing, e-books lead print in sales.
  • Have a mailing list ready at the time of publishing. Use a third-party service to gather new fans.
  • The cover art should cost as much as the publishing. Use experienced cover artists who have worked in your genre. If you publish print versions, your book title should be readable from ten feet away.
  • Draft and redraft your blurb. Have others review it. Favor a sympathetic character over action or idea. Use other writers’ as guideposts: “if you like Clive Barker, yet get a laugh out of Christopher Moore…”.
  • For promotion, use story excerpts over reader reviews.
  • The number of reviews on Amazon or Goodreads help, but are not essential to good sales.
  • Provide new material for sale at least once per month per series. Even a short story or excerpts of WIPs will do.
  • Use pseudonyms only to separate family-friendly material from racier series. Otherwise, pen names multiply promotions needing upkeep with no multiplier in reward.
  • The effectiveness of an advertising tool can change weekly. An ad tool’s effectiveness varies widely between genres. The only reliable promotional tool at this moment is the mailing list.
  • On your website, your mailing list prompt should not block the text or stop navigation. I know when a site pops up asking for an email, I get angry and click away from the site. Apparently, I’m not the only one with that reaction. Keep your mailing list prompt to the sidebar.
  • In your books, place your Acknowledgments and Dedication on the last pages; this makes more space for story text in the Amazon “Free Sample”.
  • On the last page, place active links to sales pages for previous publications and your mailing list, followed by “Please leave a review at Amazon or Goodreads” with links.
  • Do not bother with Book Bub until the third book of your series is released, and even then only if sales are noteworthy.
  • Do not bother advertising on Twitter.
  • Set sales price at $2.99 unless the book is 100K words or more.
  • Reduce the price of Book One to .99 when Book Two is released. Do not give away books for free.
  • Do not hesitate to change your book cover if you think it will increase sales.

 

I am most of the way through first draft of Book One. I’ll update you every week as to how things are progressing, and if you’re interested in beta reading, coo. Let me know and I’ll be glad to help you out in whatever way I can.

Let’s have some fun!

 

 

 

 





“Paperbacks From Hell”: A Really Fun Writer Takes on ’70s/’80s Pulp Horror

25 09 2017

Are you a child of the 1970s and/or 1980s? Did you grow up sneak-watching slasher flicks like The Slumber Party Massacre and Silent Night, Deadly Night while your parents slept? Were you the kind of kid who felt there was only one holiday worth celebrating, and that was Halloween? Was Elvira your number one crush? If you answered yes […]

via Book Review: Paperbacks from Hell by Grady Hendrix (Quirk Books) — CULT FACTION





This Is How Odd A Writing Life Can Be

15 06 2017

Gilbert-Event-Page-Image-500-x-343

I’ve been listening to “Gilbert Gottfried’s Amazing Colossal Podcast” so this post is coming out of me in Gilbert Gottfried’s voice.

My new novel is blocked up. I’ve done 80K words on a 50K word novel and at the very least I have another 100K words still to write. I have the bones of a plot but no working POV and the realization that the past nine months have not been fun.

Meanwhile, a friend who has a major publisher connected me with his agent. Great, but all agents are busy and finding one is a part-time job in itself. My publisher sent the agent a copy of “The Flesh Sutra” (WHY HAVEN’T YOU BOUGHT THIS BOOK? NANCY HOLDER SAYS IT’S GOOD AND IT COSTS ONLY 99 CENTS).

No response from the agent, okay. Agents are busy and I’ve got a novel making me question my life.

Response today. Agent wants to know if I have anything in the works.

Yes, my current work is a performance art piece titled “Existential Anguish”.

If you keep submitting for 28 years, you can be like me, a Myers-Briggs INTJ overthinking his existence in a 12X12 bedroom and running low on self-delusion just in time for a big break.

Did I mention that I’m away from my job for three weeks? THREE WEEKS! My writer friends who have lives and families and communities would kill for three weeks off so they can write what would be the next best-selling, multi-award winning novel of the ages. I will probably be watching Netflix and plucking hair off my ears.

The last thing I wanted to do was post about “wah wah the writers life sucks” like all the other writers in Writerdom. I hate being a cliche. I want to offer something useful.

Feh. We’ll see what happens.

 





Colonel Sanders and the Demonic Lover

1 06 2017

I love the conjunction of genres and the taming of monsters that occurs in paranormal romance, and much of OGOM’s research centres on this. The demon lovers of paranormal romance range from vampires (of course), through faeries, angels, and werewolves; the odder candidates include mermen, gargoyles, and even ghosts and zombies. But the monstrous lover…

via Colonel Sanders and the Demonic Lover — Open Graves, Open Minds





25 Years Of Writing Says: Don’t Write Short Stories

23 05 2017

Hieronymus_Bosch_096

As noted before, I’ve been sending stories out since 1989. Am I a famous author? I am not. But I have been professionally published, and for the indulgence of other rewarding interests, I may have been farther along in my writing career.

What I have learned about writing and its profession:

If you are going to write, write novellas or novels. I have always had very good ideas. My interest in getting into short story markets made me edit these ideas down to the market optimum 4000 words. Editors would respond “Needs more”. I would move on to the next idea which I would cut down, etc. I thought ideas were putty that could be massaged into any length. An idea is a block of marble. Cut one wrong and the whole statue is ruined.

If you are going to write short stories, get paid for them. Thankfully, I always had this rule. Getting upvotes in your writing community feels good. Sooner or later you will want more. Cut out the middleman and go straight to market.

If you aren’t getting paid for your story, self-publish. This wasn’t available to me earlier of course, but it is something I will pursue.

Network. Life is all about “who you know.” It’s uncomfortable. The good news is everyone’s uncomfortable too.

Save originality for later. I went straight for “sensational”, “innovative”, and “original”. What I didn’t learn was “structure”, “character development”, and “simplicity”. One idea per plot. Write your slash. File off those serial numbers. Study your authors and write pastiches. That said…

Invent your own magic system. Play in someone else’s sandbox, they get the right to pick nits.

Be nice. Any professional community is like High School. One tweet can set back years of work. Small communities thrive on making outcasts. Be nice.

I used to think “write what makes your mother uncomfortable” and the audience will find you. Instead, your priority is “write what you love and look for your audience.”

Ignore other writers. You can become distracted, frustrated, and despair. If you can’t ignore another writer’s work, that’s one of the few writer you should study.

Classes, conventions, retreats, and Clarion-Odyssey-Taos Toolbox-that thing Tom Monteleone does…do them. I have wasted tens of thousands of dollars sitting in coffee shops. The writers who have gone to bigger things sacrificed to do these activities to learn and network. That said…

The Most Important Advice:

Accept that any of your ideas may suck. No amount of rewriting or networking will help an idea that sucks. Move on to the next idea. I wasted about four years rewriting a bunch of half-baked, “sensational” ideas. They sucked. I should have moved on. Now if a story doesn’t get published in the first few submissions, I trunk it and move on.





Horror Movies With Dark Endings

29 04 2017

What separates a good horror movie from a great one is the ending. Some horror films just don’t know when or how to end. But when a horror flick gets the ending right, then you have something really special. And by “right,” I mean dark and/or disturbing. But be warned: … Read More… The post…

via Horror Movies with Dark F*ucking Endings!! — AnythingHorror.com








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