Fifteen-Horror-Movies-For-2017 Suckage

28 12 2016

Thirteen of fifteen are either reboots or sequels.
WTF.
Looking forward to two. Intrigued by a third.
The only ones I’m looking forward to: “Alien: Covenant” and that’s because Ridley Scott’s onboard. Neither of the writers give me hope (one exec produced/wrote for TVs “Heroes” and “Smallville” , the other wrote the last Bond movies and “Penny Dreadful”), because their work screams “QUIRKY ACTION ONE NOTE ADVENTURE SO MARKETABLE!”
And “Kong” because giant ape.
Not “IT”, as it has director of “Mama”, who got better performances from the CGI than the talented human cast, and the writer of goddam “Annabelle” (and “Annabelle 2” also on the list).
“Leatherface”? “Friday the 13th”? No, no. Could you conceive of anyone bringing any fresh nuance to “It kills horny teens. Go with it”?

“Dark Tower”? Lost interest in Stephen King. The latest SK adaptations have been really over the top bad, except for “The Mist”, which the movie improved.

So….what intrigues me?
Could it be “Insidious”? “Saw”? “Rings”? Uh-uh. Lay off the MTV movie effects.
“Resident Evil” only to see if Mila can still make those leaps.
“The Tom Cruise Action Adventure Movie thatohyeahhastheSorceressfromSucideSquadinoneshot” written by Guy Who Writes All Tom’s Movies and directed by the guiding hand of “Hawaii Five-Oh”?
“Susperia”! That must be what intrigues me! Nope. Never got into Giallo. However! The writer scribed black magic Nazi B-Movie “Blood Creek”. And the role of the mysterious ballet master is played by TILDA SWINTON. So maybe.
What movie intrigues me?
“The Bye Bye Man” is written and directed by a married couple who’ve worked in B Movies for years. Director wife almost exclusively in horror. Writer husband as actor in dozens of TV shows. These are the kind of folk who bring fresh ideas. Granted, the trailer seems to show a rehash of “Sinister”, but I have hopes here.

So, my perfect 2017 movie would have shadowy killers fighting xenomorphs until Kong gets sick of it and bashes it all with a helicopter.

At least Damon Lindelof isn’t anywhere to be seen.





IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN JUST TELL AN ORIGINAL STORY?

16 11 2016

I do appreciate your attention, but the fact is that there are so few of you visiting me, you can’t pose a threat if you are offended. Moreover, if I were to incriminate myself, you people would not present as credible witnesses for the prosecution.

May I? Okey dokey.

Brexit and Trump and The Backlash were predicted years and years ago. Culture steers politics, and guys? We’ve been in a stultified, petrified, freeze-dried culture for years. Whazzhemean?

Give me a new idea that caught fire in popular culture in the past ten years. I’ll wait.

It’s been a decade of vampires or zombies, or Judd Apatow’s smirking half-improv movies, or self-referential fan-service reboots, or Explodey Old Action Franchises Parts 5.

We’ve been watching, listening, playing, doing the same things for how-many-years and whenever someone has something new, it either drops off the earth or is scorned as idiocy.

Example: The Juggalos. A group that considers itself a great big family of people who just want to shock people with homegrown, Halloween rap music, professional wrestling, and cheap bootie. Hah! What a buncharoobs! They won’t have that kind of vulgarity at Cocachella, and certainly not at Burning Man (that’s how we know Burning Man actually had something going, because the rich people co-opted it)!

Example: The creative paralysis called JJ Abrams. How did one man’s vision get control of not only Star Trek and Star Wars, but set the tone for all other major productions? His style of shakey-cam, blue-lit quirky action heroes can be found on every damn channel. This is like the 1970s only having George Lucas writing and directing Star Wars, Star Trek 1 – 6, and Indiana Jones, and having ILM create “Charlies Angels”, “Hart To Hart”, and “The Six Million Dollar Man” franchise.

Just as business as usual kept going in American politics with Obama (oh yes it did, guys, or did we send any bankers to Guantanamo or Iraq?), that same gritted-teeth durance went into consuming entertainment. That DC movie was not so good? Maybe they’ll get it right next time. That new group sounding like anything else on your iTunes feed? Meh, it’ll do.

It’ll keep your mind off of the war and the oligarchy and what your neighbors hung on their porch.

Pissed off about it? Grab some punk rock or angry rap, read some Bukowski, and drink a Pabst, thanks 20th Century!

We do not have a language for our values. We got comfortable and took it for granted, then leased it, and then sold it.

chuck

This is the Western World’s Premier Underground Satirist. Think On This.

 

You want to know the big difference between music of the 70s and 80s and today? The artists didn’t use it to sell commercials.

Except DEVO and they did it as a big meta-satire.

Even before the Alt-Right, there were artistic clues of seismic discontent. Micropress and self-pub starting taking all the revenue. “Bizarro”, “Weird”, and religious-themed fiction appeared en mass, and would never have gotten attention from TOR or Ballentine. None of them would have gotten shelf space if it weren’t for micropress.

Why Lovecraft? Because so desperate for a new idea that we went back almost a century.

Yet these touch our imaginations, our adrenal glands, and our amigdala. Does anything speak? Does anything touch our hearts?

Who has come forward to just tell of any broken, gutsy dumbass who made good?

IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN TELL A STORY? NOT PREACH. JUST TELL AN ORIGINAL STORY?





How Deep A Horror Movie Can Go

27 10 2016

I would like to do something like this in a story or a video, but how? It takes “meta” in a whole different direction.

Touch Dakota Fanning’s hotter sister for more.

neon-demon





From The Director of “Audition”, The Most Amazing Movie Idea Of The Year

18 10 2016




The New “Blair Witch” Movie…

15 09 2016

…reminds me of what is needed to make a realistic USA horror story: The Heavilly Armed.

 

SPOILERS!

I mean, we’re deep into Reel Three and White College Chick Rocking The Jeans is locked in a tunnel under the scary Witch House. Without any to-do, she unfolds a huge camping knife that wasn’t even implied in the first two reels.

Every human I know would have heard the Dreadful Wail on Night One, then walked around with that knife out at arms length for the rest of their damn lives.

I mean, I work in retail in a tiny rural state and I’ll bet I could go through the parking lot, break into the cars, and come back with Travis Bickle’s wet dream (before someone shot me).

There was a Dixie-Flaggin’ Redneck Couple in this movie. Was either one strapped? Did they have a hound dog or a trained Pittie? Nerp. The Cute College Black Couple? Any knives or even mace? Nowp. They did make the usual black-comic-relief-characters-have common-sense “Let’s get out of here” exclamations before being killed seperately BY TREES AND GRAVITY.

Which left the two suburban white kids, in case we didn’t know the target audience, here they are.

Would these weapons have done anything against a Blair Witch? Who knows? The B doesn’t have any vulnerabilities. Is she Satan-powered? Alien-powered? A ghost? Without any idea as to how to fight the B, where’s the tension?

One of these kids could have pulled out a Bible or rigged up some Predator style booby traps or crossed some streams or something. That would have been a movie.

This? Eeeesh, it was so bad, I thought James Wan had produced it.





Bone Tomahawk

3 07 2016

Kurt Russell stars in an off-beat and gritty, AMC cable channel quality western with a twist. The twist rhymes with…? What rhymes with “trogledyte”? Ah, screw it, they’re prehistoric cannibals. Despite the trailer, the cavemen are no secret surprise. The deep and sympathetic characters are, though.

There’s really only one or two squicky moments in the movie. The length could have been trimmed by about twenty minutes and the trogs do die after only one gunshot, but overall it was a thrilling yet funny movie. A few quotable lines of dialogue here and there.

Available on DVD through Netflix and Amazon.





Links! Horror and Writing Links!

24 07 2015

Five Paranormal Books You Haven’t Read Yet

Classical Monsters You Haven’t Heard Of (Some Are In AD&D, More Are Ready For Your Next Big Masterwork)

Body Horror In Advertising (Lots Of Videos)

Clever and Incisive Reviews Of Classic Horror Novels

 





Best British Horror 2015 edited by Johnny Mains

11 07 2015

Best British Horror 2015 edited by Johnny Mains.





Sunday Movie: “The Abominable Dr. Phibes” and “Dr. Phibes Rises Again”

22 03 2015

Both directed by Robert Feust, who was Art Director and later Director for the BBC series “The Avengers”. They are buttery toffees of camp British horror. The movies pounce straight over-the-top with art deco, vague ’30s settings and revenge with elan (bathing a victim in sprout puree to get locusts to eat her). The movies reinforced Price’s marketability in playing heroic men driven to darkness. Any seriousness remaining are driven away by character actors Terry-Thomas, Hugh Griffiths, and John Laurie. Note: the ’70s sucked one and all into its La Brea tarpit. Writer William Goldstein’s only other credit was screenwriter for “The Amazing Dobermans”, while Feust went on direct camp horror “The Devil’s Rain” (Shatner on screen with Ernest Borgnine), a silent comedy series plus an all-woman detective show for BBC-TV, and episodes of ABC-TV’s “The After School Special.”

A third film was planned with Phibes taking on Hitler, so a guy on IMDB claims.

How would Phibes have taken down the High Command? Goering? Himmler?
The trailer for “The Abominable Dr. Phibes” via YouTube.

The ENTIRE MOVIE of “Dr. Phibes Rises Again”. A bit chattier than the first movie, but it’s still amazing what Price can convey merely with gestures and his eyes.

 





COULD A NEW TERRY PRATCHETT GET PUBLISHED TODAY? I DOUBT IT.

13 03 2015

The world has turned too many times. The era for the satiric British voice passed away last decade and the cavalier remark died in this one. My regret is not just appreciating Sir Terry while he lived, but that his like will not come again.

I have read very little Pratchett. I tried but my Brit humor nerve had been burned out long ago. People I admire admired Pratchett, though. I read the subjects he tackled and quotes from his work and I sorely felt the fault for my limitation.

I read the major publications and keep track of novel releases and for the life of me I can’t imagine who else examines the human condition, darts in, and tickles it. Would such a writer have a chance in today’s market?
Short stories? As far as I can see, the only venues publishing blithe and pithy humor are Asimov’s, F&SF, and Daily Science Fiction. Pratchett’s work was too Eurocentric and too lacking in florid or floral language for any other venue. Not enough pop culture references to get on McSweeny’s.

Who would publish his novel? Orbit? Baen?
Of his first three novels, the first was an ill-received fantasy and the next two were Niven parodies. What publisher would have stuck with him beyond those to take a risk on Ankh-Morpork?

I am not alone in my lack of appreciation. SFWA had many chances to give Sir Terry his due with Hugos and Nebulas. Not one nomination over decades, except for one near the end of his life. He refused the award. Good for him.
SFWA joins every other literary body and the MPAA in being too insecure to acclaim some joke-teller. He’d be too British to get a Twain.
Who growing in our midst could be a quasi-Pratchett? Alex Shvartsman? Grady Hendrix?
Neil Gaiman has reverted to formula.
Jeffrey Fford?
Esther Friesner? Another humor writer without a Hugo or Nebula.

The fragmentation of Genre markets have made a writer like Sir Terry almost impossible. The Genres are being crushed by seriousness. The vitality and irreverence that Sir Terry thrived on is fleeing into Young Adult and Romance fiction, or trying to define itself as Weird, Bizarro, or Superversive (google them).

It may be decades before we see the likes of him again, if ever.








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