My Stomach Is Full Of Eels And It’s “A Cure For Wellness”!

3 03 2017

Bless this digusting, bloated and atmospheric mess. Let’s be upfront: this movie does not fully work. For a horror movie centered on existential dread and psychosis, it has a few too many moving parts. Now, it’s definitely a beautiful and haunting mess. Bojan Bazelli creates indelible images just by using the movie’s limited palettes of […]

via “A Cure For Wellness” — Long Pale Road





Horror: This Is An Excellent Trailer

8 02 2017

It Comes At Night is a 2017 American horror film, written and directed by Trey Edward Shults (Krisha). It stars Joel Edgerton, Riley Keough, Christopher Abbott, Kelvin Harrison Jr. and Carmen Ejogo. A man learns that the evil stalking his family home may be only a prelude to horrors that come from within. Secure within a desolate home […]

via It Comes At Night (2017) — HORRORPEDIA





Fifteen-Horror-Movies-For-2017 Suckage

28 12 2016

Thirteen of fifteen are either reboots or sequels.
WTF.
Looking forward to two. Intrigued by a third.
The only ones I’m looking forward to: “Alien: Covenant” and that’s because Ridley Scott’s onboard. Neither of the writers give me hope (one exec produced/wrote for TVs “Heroes” and “Smallville” , the other wrote the last Bond movies and “Penny Dreadful”), because their work screams “QUIRKY ACTION ONE NOTE ADVENTURE SO MARKETABLE!”
And “Kong” because giant ape.
Not “IT”, as it has director of “Mama”, who got better performances from the CGI than the talented human cast, and the writer of goddam “Annabelle” (and “Annabelle 2” also on the list).
“Leatherface”? “Friday the 13th”? No, no. Could you conceive of anyone bringing any fresh nuance to “It kills horny teens. Go with it”?

“Dark Tower”? Lost interest in Stephen King. The latest SK adaptations have been really over the top bad, except for “The Mist”, which the movie improved.

So….what intrigues me?
Could it be “Insidious”? “Saw”? “Rings”? Uh-uh. Lay off the MTV movie effects.
“Resident Evil” only to see if Mila can still make those leaps.
“The Tom Cruise Action Adventure Movie thatohyeahhastheSorceressfromSucideSquadinoneshot” written by Guy Who Writes All Tom’s Movies and directed by the guiding hand of “Hawaii Five-Oh”?
“Susperia”! That must be what intrigues me! Nope. Never got into Giallo. However! The writer scribed black magic Nazi B-Movie “Blood Creek”. And the role of the mysterious ballet master is played by TILDA SWINTON. So maybe.
What movie intrigues me?
“The Bye Bye Man” is written and directed by a married couple who’ve worked in B Movies for years. Director wife almost exclusively in horror. Writer husband as actor in dozens of TV shows. These are the kind of folk who bring fresh ideas. Granted, the trailer seems to show a rehash of “Sinister”, but I have hopes here.

So, my perfect 2017 movie would have shadowy killers fighting xenomorphs until Kong gets sick of it and bashes it all with a helicopter.

At least Damon Lindelof isn’t anywhere to be seen.





How Deep A Horror Movie Can Go

27 10 2016

I would like to do something like this in a story or a video, but how? It takes “meta” in a whole different direction.

Touch Dakota Fanning’s hotter sister for more.

neon-demon





From The Director of “Audition”, The Most Amazing Movie Idea Of The Year

18 10 2016




The New “Blair Witch” Movie…

15 09 2016

…reminds me of what is needed to make a realistic USA horror story: The Heavilly Armed.

 

SPOILERS!

I mean, we’re deep into Reel Three and White College Chick Rocking The Jeans is locked in a tunnel under the scary Witch House. Without any to-do, she unfolds a huge camping knife that wasn’t even implied in the first two reels.

Every human I know would have heard the Dreadful Wail on Night One, then walked around with that knife out at arms length for the rest of their damn lives.

I mean, I work in retail in a tiny rural state and I’ll bet I could go through the parking lot, break into the cars, and come back with Travis Bickle’s wet dream (before someone shot me).

There was a Dixie-Flaggin’ Redneck Couple in this movie. Was either one strapped? Did they have a hound dog or a trained Pittie? Nerp. The Cute College Black Couple? Any knives or even mace? Nowp. They did make the usual black-comic-relief-characters-have common-sense “Let’s get out of here” exclamations before being killed seperately BY TREES AND GRAVITY.

Which left the two suburban white kids, in case we didn’t know the target audience, here they are.

Would these weapons have done anything against a Blair Witch? Who knows? The B doesn’t have any vulnerabilities. Is she Satan-powered? Alien-powered? A ghost? Without any idea as to how to fight the B, where’s the tension?

One of these kids could have pulled out a Bible or rigged up some Predator style booby traps or crossed some streams or something. That would have been a movie.

This? Eeeesh, it was so bad, I thought James Wan had produced it.





Bone Tomahawk

3 07 2016

Kurt Russell stars in an off-beat and gritty, AMC cable channel quality western with a twist. The twist rhymes with…? What rhymes with “trogledyte”? Ah, screw it, they’re prehistoric cannibals. Despite the trailer, the cavemen are no secret surprise. The deep and sympathetic characters are, though.

There’s really only one or two squicky moments in the movie. The length could have been trimmed by about twenty minutes and the trogs do die after only one gunshot, but overall it was a thrilling yet funny movie. A few quotable lines of dialogue here and there.

Available on DVD through Netflix and Amazon.








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