Fifteen-Horror-Movies-For-2017 Suckage

28 12 2016

Thirteen of fifteen are either reboots or sequels.
WTF.
Looking forward to two. Intrigued by a third.
The only ones I’m looking forward to: “Alien: Covenant” and that’s because Ridley Scott’s onboard. Neither of the writers give me hope (one exec produced/wrote for TVs “Heroes” and “Smallville” , the other wrote the last Bond movies and “Penny Dreadful”), because their work screams “QUIRKY ACTION ONE NOTE ADVENTURE SO MARKETABLE!”
And “Kong” because giant ape.
Not “IT”, as it has director of “Mama”, who got better performances from the CGI than the talented human cast, and the writer of goddam “Annabelle” (and “Annabelle 2” also on the list).
“Leatherface”? “Friday the 13th”? No, no. Could you conceive of anyone bringing any fresh nuance to “It kills horny teens. Go with it”?

“Dark Tower”? Lost interest in Stephen King. The latest SK adaptations have been really over the top bad, except for “The Mist”, which the movie improved.

So….what intrigues me?
Could it be “Insidious”? “Saw”? “Rings”? Uh-uh. Lay off the MTV movie effects.
“Resident Evil” only to see if Mila can still make those leaps.
“The Tom Cruise Action Adventure Movie thatohyeahhastheSorceressfromSucideSquadinoneshot” written by Guy Who Writes All Tom’s Movies and directed by the guiding hand of “Hawaii Five-Oh”?
“Susperia”! That must be what intrigues me! Nope. Never got into Giallo. However! The writer scribed black magic Nazi B-Movie “Blood Creek”. And the role of the mysterious ballet master is played by TILDA SWINTON. So maybe.
What movie intrigues me?
“The Bye Bye Man” is written and directed by a married couple who’ve worked in B Movies for years. Director wife almost exclusively in horror. Writer husband as actor in dozens of TV shows. These are the kind of folk who bring fresh ideas. Granted, the trailer seems to show a rehash of “Sinister”, but I have hopes here.

So, my perfect 2017 movie would have shadowy killers fighting xenomorphs until Kong gets sick of it and bashes it all with a helicopter.

At least Damon Lindelof isn’t anywhere to be seen.


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