Things I Learned In Boyhood…

23 10 2013

You could fit your cat in the vehicle bay of a Major Matt Mason Moon Base. Because the sides were clear plastic, it turns out the cat didn’t mind so much.

If mammals average 21 seconds per session of urination, it took 105 seconds worth of urine to put out the brush fire that got out of hand back in Boy Scouts.

Even as kids, you could tell who would end up in jail. The guys who shoplifted. The girls who got into fights. That guy who belched the alphabet and pretended to have sex with the Putman’s collie.

Old people didn’t think it was nice for a nine-year-old to call a girl “broad” or “wench.”

When you moved to a new town, no one was going to know you picked your nose up and ate it until seventh grade. But you’re still going to end up hanging out with nerds.

The kids on “Zoom”? Yeah, I could’ve done that.

For some reason, when Mrs. Mayberry did yardwork in her bikini, Mom didn’t want you to watch.

When you shot frogs with b-b guns? Or filled a cool whip container with grasshoppers and firecrackers? You had to be discrete.

Teachers called parents about weird stuff, like when my friend drew the story about the war between frogs and mice, and used up the red crayons.

Rubber cement was the most precious substance ever created. It helped build a model of a Panzer tank, and when set alight made that model into a glorious blaze. Rubber cement was the Alpha and the Omega.


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