timwburke

Scene: The inside of a Soviet space capsule. The entire theater is to be treated as the capsule, and the audience treated as monkeydogs. There are three chairs center stage. GREGORI is stage right at a radio. SASHA and MISHA are monkeydogs sleeping in two chairs. They are dreaming and making dog-and-monkey-like dream twitches.

GREGORI
(Speaking softly)
Can anyone hear me? This is Captain Gregori Ivanov of the Soviet Socialist Republic. I am pilot of the Vostok Negative Six. Can anyone hear me?

MISHA whines in her sleep. GREGORI takes sip from a cup and grimaces.

GREGORI
I launched in secret on March 20, 1960. I was the first man in space. Can anyone hear me?

MISHA and SASHA rouse, then fall back to sleep. GREGORI sips and grimaces.

GREGORI
I was sent up with a monkey and a dog. I have been in orbit since 1960. Can you hear me?
Now I am in three man caspule with our descendents. I am in the capsule with two… (counts audience members, treating the audience as if they are part of the crew, then says the number of audience). I am with (number of audience) Soviet monkeydogs. They bark and shed. When they are angry, they fling poop. I make liquor from fermented monkeydog milk. Can you hear me!

SASHA AND MISHA awaken with Monkeydog noises of surprise. They have no Russian accent.

SASHA
Captain, did you say something?

MISHA
Quiet Sasha! The captain is speaking on the radio. Have you had any luck, Captain?

GREGORI
No. Our orbit is bringing us closer to Earth, but no one is communicating.

SASHA
Ah! Look out the porthole! We are closer!

All three cross to stage right. Sasha and Misha make excited monkeydog sounds. They stare in wonder and awe.

SASHA
It is so beautiful! Where is The Blue Bayou?

GREGORI
I do not know where The Blue Bayou could be. Somewhere in the Western Hemisphere, I suppose.

MISHA
What is that large bunch of tubes, Captain?

GREGORI
What? That is a such a large satellite!

VOICE
This is the International Space Station calling the Vostok spacecraft. Captain Ivanov, can you hear me?

SASHA
That bunch of tubes is speaking to us! Everyone! They are speaking to us!

SASHA AND MISHA howl excitedly, encouraging the audience to howl as well.

GREGORI
Quiet! Quiet!

GREGORI crosses to the radio.

SASHA
Quiet, the Captain is going to speak to them!

GREGORI crosses stage to a radio and picks up the microphone.

GREGORI
Hello! This is Captain Gregori Ivanov of the Soviet Socialist Republic. Who are you?

VOICE
This is the Commander of the International Space Station. Captain, are you piloting a Vostak spaceship? They stopped making those fifty years ago.

SASHA
We should celebrate! Should I get the liquor, Captain?

SASHA AND MISHA pass a bottle.

GREGORI
Yes! Yes! Hello, Commander!

SASHA AND MISHA salute the audience and pretend to squeeze boobs as a toast.

MISHA
Thanks, girls!

GREGORI waves for MISHA to be quiet. SASHA passes bottle to audience members.

GREGORI
Can you take me home? Please?

VOICE
We can rescue you, Gregori. We have a seat on our ship!

GREGORI
How many seats do you have? Wait! I will switch to headphones!

GREGORI flips a switch and listens on a headphone. SASHA AND MISHA keep a respectful distance, but are curious.

GREGORI
Not enough room. I see. Can…can you promise me something?

GREGORI looks over his shoulder.

GREGORI
Many years ago, we heard on the radio a woman who sang this song that was so sad. She had such a voice, it spoke to the deepest part of my heart. I have forgotten almost all the words, but…

GREGORI wistfully sings a few sounds in a slow melody.

Please…I must meet her. This angel. This woman named Linda Rondstadt. I must go to this “Blue Bayou.”
Yes, Commander. Your terms are acceptable. We…I will prepare to dock. Over and out.

MISHA
(To audience)
We’re going to Earth!

SASHA
Captain, it’s going to be great to see all the beautiful things you have told us about.

GREGORI
Yes! Yes.

MISHA
Blue skies! Trees! Birds! The Blue Bayou!

The ship shakes.

GREGORI
They have docked.

VOICE
We have contacted Moscow, Captain. You must be looking forward to retirement. Being just another person. LIVING ALONE.

GREGORI
Alone!

MISHA
What does he mean, alone?

GREGORI
It has been decided by your Commissar that you monkey-dogs should stay here. You are acclimated to life…and they have one seat…

MISHA
We’re…staying here?

GREGORI
I will make sure they send someone up! We will see home together!

SASHA
Sure. But that’s twenty-six years…

GREGORI
You are stalwart examples…of Soviet cosmonauts. You will prevail…

MISHA
We will miss you, Captain.

GREGORI
You will obey and be good cosmonauts.

VOICE
We have to go now, Captain.

GREGORI
Yes. Yes. Good-bye.

GREGORI exits. The ship shakes.

SASHA
The little ship is leaving.

SASHA AND MISHA sit sadly in their seats. They begin to weep. There is a thumping at the airlock.

MISHA
Who could that be? Go away!

SASHA
No wait!

SASHA spins the airlock wheel. MISHA opens the door. GREGORI falls inside, gasping.

GREGORI
I…I started to think about the skies. What if they are not blue? What if Linda…is not an angel?

GREGORI passes out. MISHA AND SASHA apply CPR.

VOICE
Captain, you can’t stay there! You won’t be within reach for another twenty-six years! We’re coming back to get you!

GREGORI
(Weak) Prepare to repel boarders!

SASHA
Aye Captain! All monkey-dogs! To arms!

GREGORI, SASHA, AND MISHA put a hand to their asses and poop. They exhort the audience to do the same. The hands are held at the ready, aiming at the airlock.

GREGORI
Go away! I stay with my command! We stay together!

VOICE
Very well, Captain. Godspeed.

All are introspective at this development.

GREGORI
Misha, collect the feces. Put it into the furnace for fuel.

SASHA
Perhaps, Commissar, we should have some more liquor to celebrate.

GREGORI
Yes, we should. Play the tape recording.

MISHA
The tape is fragile, Captain.

GREGORI
Play it, Misha.

SASHA passes out bottle.

As the bottle is passed, MISHA AND SASHA begin humming.

The last chorus of “Blue Bayou” plays.

GREGORI sings last chorus of “Blue Bayou” soulfully. MISHA and SASHA exhort the audience to join in and sing. Their friendship and destinies are sealed.

END