A Song For St. Pat’s: “Amateur Night”

15 03 2013

AMATEUR NIGHT

I was walking to my pub just to have a quiet day
Sipping on my Tullymore Dew and ease my cares away
But I found the pub packed by a mob celebrating Saint Pat’s
They all wore the same green t-shirts and dumb green plastic hats.

They were all shouting Slainte and Erin Go Bragh
The girls all wore those beads you’d get at Mardi Gras
They were drinking bottles of light beer dyed green as a leprechaun’s leak
What pissed me off was that St. Pat’s was not for another week.

Chorus:
All these One-Day Irish can’t even get drinking right
That’s why I say St. Patrick’s Day is Amateur Night

The place was packed with people making a terrible din
I hit the jukebox for The Chieftains and Van Morrison
But the DJ drowned out my songs with

Shouted:
“They were Shipping up to Boston!
Shipping Up To Boston!
Why don’t they all ship up to Boston!”

And get your ship off my favorite chair, if you please.

All these One-Day Irish can’t even get drinking right
That’s why I say St. Patrick’s Day is Amateur Night

I’ll make this very simple: just take this one advice
When you’re in an Irish pub just try to be nice
You don’t need a Galway dad or a Dublin mom
Have a care for everyone there before you order a Car Bomb

Spoken: “Really? Really?!”

All these One-Day Irish can’t even get drinking right
That’s why I say St. Patrick’s Day is Amateur Night

The purpose of this song is not to express my hate
There’s more to the Irish than what’s in a glass or plate
If you’re in a dancing group, you’re a good lad or lass
If you’ve even tried to read “Ulysses”, you get a pass

Spoken:
“Because there’s more to the culture than Oscar Wilde and James Joyce, and oh yeah Bono.
If you like Stephen King, you may like Patrick McGrath
If you like comedy on PBS, try PJ Gallagher.
If you like P.G. Wodehouse, try Flan O’Brien.”

And there’s nothing better for saying ah feck it,
Than having a read of Samuel Beckett.

All these One-Day Irish can’t even get drinking right
That’s why I say St. Patrick’s Day is Amateur Night!


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2 responses

17 03 2013
Alan Breakstone

And why is it called “Celtic Woman” when there are FOUR of them?

18 03 2013
timwburke

Indeed…

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