timwburke

A sketch that came from Improv 400 class…

POOL SKIMMER

(Either role can be either sex or any age.)
Scene: a swimming pool.
Lifeguard is waiting by the gate of the pool. Murphy walks up.

Murphy: Hey, can I get in?
LG: It’s a few minutes before we open.
Murphy: Yeah, but I’m just going to do some laps.
LG: We’re supposed to open at noon. People keep sneaking in here.
M: Yeah, but you’re here. It’s just a few minutes ‘til noon.
LG: Well…why not?
(Opens gate)
M: Thanks a lot!
LG: So how’s things?
M: Things are okay.
(LG picks up pool skimmer and starts to work on the pool. M takes off his sweat suit, revealing swimwear)
M: I’m glad you’re skimming. Pool’s got a lot of junk in it.
LG: People messing around. Wind. People sneaking in and their trash gets all over.
M: Right. You see the announcement in the lobby? Mr. Gunderson’s missing!
LG: What, the really tall old guy?
M: Yeah!
LG: I caught him sneaking in here last week! You said “missing”?
M: Missing!
LG: Geez! The guy’s a jerk, but I hope he’s okay. That’s the second person missing in the development.
M: Second?
LG: Yeah, in “B” Building. Lady named Somesuch.
M: Hey, you mean that big lady who was swimming in here all the time?
LG: In the lime green suit. Her.
M: I heard about her in my police auxiliary meeting. I didn’t put it together that it was the lady who swam around here.
LG: Sheesh. She lived in this pool. Just about to grow gills. She sneaked in here all the time too.
M: Mean temper.
LG: About bit my head off about putting too much chlorine in. People doing all sorts of crap around here. I hardly have time to do basic stuff…like…skimming.
(Lifts a small something out of the pool. Peers at it.)
LG: Um…hey.
M: Yeah.
LG: What’s this look like to you?
(Both look close.)
M: What? Is that? A finger!
(Nods, looking sick)
LG: Just came up with it. The pool needs shocking.
M: Whose finger?
LG: Shouldn’t we secure the scene? Or something?
M: Yeah! Set that down! I did a class on what to do at a crime scene!
LG: Great!
(Sets down the skimmer.)
M: Do you have a plastic bag?
LG: Yeah! I’ll take out my sandwich.
(Takes out sandwich in plastic bag. Removes sandwich. Shakes out the crumbs. Gives bag to M)
LG: You’re not going to touch it, are you?
M: No, it’s just like walking my peek-a-poo. Turn the bag inside out, and…..
(Picks up the finger in the bag. Turns bag inside-in, then seals the finger inside. Both peer at the finger.)
LG: There’s a reward for information on Mr. Gunderson.
M: Yeah, but that could be Mrs. Somesuch.
LG: Looks more like Gunderson’s finger.
M: What?
LG: It’s a long finger. Gunderson’s tall. I don’t know! Wait!
(Picks up skimmer.)
LG: There might be more.
M: We should call the police.
LG: Yeah, but…what do you think they’re going to do? Use their own skimmer anyway, right? We have to confirm for the reward.
M: (doubtful) Okay. It’s murky.
LG: Yeah, I need to put more chlorine in. Wait!
(Pulls up skimmer. Both peer.)
M: Oh jeez. A foot!
LG: That’s a big foot!
LG & M: Gunderson.
LG: Reward!
M: I’ve got something to put it in! A condom!
LG: A what?
(M unwraps and unrolls a condom around the foot. LG looks a little insecure at the largeness of the condom.)
M: We really need to call the police!
LG: No, I want to see what else is down here!
M: Because in my police auxiliary class, they talked about wounds, and these…parts? These are ragged! Like they’ve been bit or —
LG: Oop! Got something big! Reward, here I come!
(Pulls the skimmer. The skimmer rises higher than the water level. Both look in terror. There is the sound of an old woman’s labored breathing.)
LG: Good morning, Mrs. Somesuch.
M: Nice gills.
(A shadow rises and darkens over them.)
Lifeguard: You were right. I should skim the pool more often.
(The two cling to each other as the shadow closes upon them. )

END