timwburke

So Half-Way Through “Prometheus”, I Ran Out Screaming. That this movie, populated by cardboard characters acting like idiots following a blind plot, was made by the mind responsible for the genius of “Blade Runner” and “Alien” told me the worst had happened. Ridley Scott has been infected with James Cameron. I fled before I started seeing beautiful visions everywhere, had delusions of grandeur, and started walking into doorjams. The main characters are Elizabeth Shaw and A Guy. I cannot tell you a damn thing about wither of them, except Shaw is dreamy-eyed and A Guy is a jerk. As you know from the ad campaign, Shaw/Guy find a rune in common with the written languages of several ancient civilizations. The usual suspects: Incans, Babylonians, Egyptians, and the rest; none from southern Africa or Eurasia so they stay within easy reach of imaginations. Shaw/Guy are whisked away with a crew of scientists in a ship more well-appointed than Enterprise-C. They disembark on desolate planet and the crew is issued the regulation One (1) Personality Quirk, One (1) Idiot Reaction, and The Prime Directive: “If the equipment says something is amiss, open the door and have a look.” Did I mention the stated budget of the expedition was One Billion Dollars? Paid in full by aged benefactor Weyland, who somehow couldn’t afford better old-age make-up. And the money is administered by Vickers, who…I don’t know, I just don’t know. The requisite crew members get stuck outside, where they are incommunicado due to weather even though the Red Laser Handwavium Probes are transmitting away merrily to build the pretty holomap. What do the explorers find? The most powerful Green Goop since “District 7” and its slimy combo mutagen/starship fuel. But this movie’s Goop can make you birth space squid, or turn you into a Hulked-out zombie. This happens all within the ship because, hey, the doors were left open. The we get the Big Reveal, which you could see coming last year while you were inexplicably watching “Glee”, and you realize: “One Billion Dollars to keep *this* a secret? Why keep it a secret? Just pay the crew more to keep their mouths shut.” That’s when I fled screaming. Because I knew what happened: Ridley Scott saw “Avatar” and said “Fuck it! I wanna make Cameron money! No, I wanna make more money than Cameron, so I’ll stick a Hulked-out zombie in the movie!” This is Ridley Scott’s “Avatar of the Living Dead”, and hopefully the infection is not chronic. Because I have the urge now. The urge to explore a Universal Theme, say “The Meaning of Life.” And set it on a planet that looks like the cover of the Uriah Heep album “Demons and Wizards.” But my Green Goop will be a Doctor and a Lawyer. And it will turn people into lazer-shooting unicorns who are steampunk. Wait, this could actually work…. No! Run! Save yourselves! Incinerate me!